Hott Smexy Akatsuki Luvv
by EleLuna
Summary: Sakura encounters the Akatsuki, and the sheer and utter crack that ensues. [Crack. Really. So crackful that the police should smell it from Hawaii. And we live in DC. But it's funny crack.] Too many pairings to list. Yeah. That's about it. R&R por favor.


My dear readers, prepare yourselves.

This is the _ultimate _crack.

Only it's not, because we have seen every single one of these pairings multiple times, on this site, on youtube...the fangirls are everywhere. Outraged and vaguely sad about the overdose of fanon (I mean, SasuNaru might be a cute pairing, but do you really think Sasuke and Naruto would be happy with it?), we have written this fic to poke a little (well, a lot) of fun at some of the crazy pairings we've seen. And we decided to start out with Sakura/Anyone in the Akatsuki. Okay, AKATSUKI ARE THE ENEMY! I'd need to be an octupus with twenty fingers on each tentacle to count all the horrible things the Akatsuki have done to Sakura and people that she cares about. But hey, what's hott stays. Although not in this fic...sorry, fangirls.

Without further adieu, we present our masterpiece. Enjoy, and remember: you may like some of the pairings listed. If we tick you off, we've decided that's a risk we're willing to take.

(Oh, and as usual, we don't own Naruto. If we did, we would probably forbid the pairings that we REALLY hate.)

* * *

Akatsuki Hott Smexy Luvv 

Haruno Sakura tore through the forest at a breathtaking speed. Her eyes scanned the lush expanse of forest beneath her, searching for her targets. She was attempting this mission at great person risk, but if she was successful, two of her greatest friends would be relieved of a terrible burden.

"_Kakashi-sensei, what's the Akatsuki?" Sakura asked one day after training, when the two were alone, "I heard you and Jiraiya-sama talking about it earlier." _

"_I suppose you're the only one in the team that doesn't know. Well, the Akatsuki is an organization of S-rank criminals. They have been dormant until recently. But according to Jiraiya-sama, they have a new 'project'?" _

"_What kind of project?" _

"_The Akatsuki have been sent out in pairs to capture Jinchuuriki, or humans who house the tailed demons, and extract them from the Jinchuuriki." _

"_Tailed demons…Bijuu…Just like the Kyuubi that lives in Naruto!" _

"_Sensei, what happens when the demon is extracted from a person?" _

_Kakashi looked solemnly into Sakura's eyes. "The human will dies." _

_Sakura clenched a fist in anger. _

"_And Orochimaru used to be in this…_organization_?" _

"_Yes. Sasuke's brother, Itachi, is also a member." _

"_Then Akatsuki is everything we fight against!" _

"_Well…you could say that." _

As she saw a flash of black and red in the brush below, she knew she had found quarry.

With the speed of a girl wishing to protect those she loves, she landed silently in the forest, crept along until she could see her enemies and…

Fell madly in love with every single man (What do we could the Leader as? He _looks _like a man, but there's a fair amount of cross-dressing in Naruto. Look at Deidara.)

She loved the long, dark hair and solemn black eyes of the man who had tried to kill one of her best friends, emotionally destroy her teacher, and make her "crush's" life a living hell.

She loved the pale blue skin and strong arms of his partner, who had laughed at her friend's and teacher's misfortune and suggested that he and Itachi kill Naruto in a more painful way.

She loved the elegant blonde hair and the admittedly bizarre, but very dainty hands of the man who had killed the Kazekage, their ally, and tried to kill her best friend and teacher.

She loved the mysterious air (that was all she could see of him) of the maniac that had started the organization.

She loved the black spiky hair and eager-to-please manner of the man who was not only secretly masterminding the Akatsuki but seemed to be a complete weirdo (He was jumping up and down and singing, "Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is a good boy!")

She loved the pale white hair and haughty demeanor of the man who killed the sensei of Sakura's greatest friend.

She loved the mask of his partner, who had tried to kill Naruto.

She loved the short crimson hair, angelic face, and light green eyes of the man that nearly succeeded in killing _her._ (AN: Yes, we know he's dead. That's part of the point.)

Sakura dropped her kunai in shock, the black weapon falling to the ground and hitting a stone with a loud clatter.

The men of the Akatsuki turned around, drawing their weapons. Their first well-honed instinct was _kill the intruder. _

But (AN: You can guess what happens next.) They could not kill a girl like her.

Itachi wanted to kill her family and make her vow revenge so she would spend the rest of her life chasing him.

Kisame wanted to steal all her chakra with his sword, so she would always be a part of him.

Deidara wanted to make a clay model of her and blow up all who stand in her way.

Leader, seeing the fire in her eyes when she first saw them, wanted to recruit her into the organization immediately.

Tobi wanted to…kiss her (AN: Why would Tobi fall in love with Sakura? Beats us, but it's part of the story.) But nothing more, because Tobi is a good boy.

Hidan wanted to convert her to Jashinism, and was already planning how he would.

Kazuku wanted to swear to protect her so she didn't have to be a ninja anymore. Then he could sell her gear for money.

Sasori wanted to attach string to her arms, her legs, her head, and make her a _living _puppet and a testament to his art.

Sakura didn't know what to say. So she did what a faithful fangirl would do: improvised. "So…if we go back to your cave, will we be…" she batted her lashes, something she had no idea where she learned how to do, since it definitely wasn't part of her ninja training. "…alone?" the smitten members of a deadly organization nodded, and lead their enemy back to the cave, eagerly and OOCly awaiting what was to come.

Unfortunately (AN: Or fortunately, if you're sane. If so, brace yourself and remember: this is a _parody_. But that's still kind of scary, because stories like this actually _exist_) the all-powerful goddesses of this fic decided this happy family of love was not to be. Nope, they had decided to split the group up into pairs. Many pairs.

Back in the cave, Sakura was healing scars the murderers had received over their years of brutality. Deidara had taken of his shirt (AN: No squealing, please, fangirls. Ewwwwww) so she could heal a scar on his stomach. Sasori, waiting in line, could not help but stare at his teammate. Sakura had lost all her appeal, and he couldn't believe he was falling in love with a man that he argued with at least five times a day.

It was a simple truth: Deidara looks _hott _with his shirt off (AN: Thisisaparodythisisaparodythisisaparody. Even so, we're making ourselves sick.)

Deidara cried out, and Sasori discreetly slipped his hand into his partner's. "Hold on if it hurts," he said flirtatiously. Immediately, Deidara squeezed Sasori's hand. The cold unfeeling murderer looked up at Deidara, looked down at Deidara with a face full of completely uncharacteristic love and concern. "It hurts that much."

The other homicidal psychopath grins up at him. "No, it doesn't hurt at all." He turns and politely thanks Sakura for the healing, then walks off with Sasori. The last thing the people (And a half-plant. And a half-fish. And two Who-knows-whats) still in the cave heard was, "No, Sasori, you keep your shirt _on!_"

Sakura, while disappointed at the loss of two psychopathic killers, wasn't too worried. There were, after all, seven left.

Hidan was dreamily staring at Sakura, when suddenly he found himself at the back of the back of the cave, out of earshot of the others, facing two girls, who were giggling like freaks.

"Umm, are you, like, Hidan?" _Who are they? _Hidan wondered.

"Yes…"

"OMG!" The two girls squealed. Then they regained some semblance of composure, and kept talking. "Hidan, we are, like, all-powerful messengers of Lord Jokin'…I mean, Jashin." Hidan's eyes widened in shock.

"Really?" He couldn't help but be skeptical. Those girls liked like…_fangirls_. And their clothing. What happened to the mostly-monochromatic, short-but practical and very individualized outfits that most girls in the series wear?

"REALLY." The girls spoke in unison, and while they were still high and girly, their voices boomed around the cave."

"Didn't they hear that?" The pair smiled.

"Ask them."

Hidan turned around. "Hey guys, did you hear that?"

"What?" Kisame asked. The rest of the people in the cave shook their heads.

"See?" The girl's voices no longer echoed, and they giggled again.

"Hidan, the great lord Jammin'—"

"—Jashin."

"Right. Jashin has sent us with an urgent message for you, the most, like, devoted of his follower peeps." Hidan still had small doubts, but the flattery helped.

"What is the message, O fellow followers of the great lord Jashin?"

"Lord Jashin has said…um… (They whispered back and forth to each other) that in order to be a true follower of, like, Jashinness, you have to like, enter into YAOI!" They trailed of their odd, grammatically incorrect sentence into more squealing. Hidan grimaced. He knew what yaoi was, and didn't find the idea at all appealing. Still, if it meant being a true Jashinist, he would make the sacrifice."

"Then I will."

"'Kay. Toodles!" And with that, the girls squealed one more time and vanished. (AN: Just to make us feel better, we are _nothing _like that. NOTHING at all!) Hidan sighed, and turned around, walking towards the group.

"Hey, Kazuku," he said to his partner.

"Yes?"

"Love me." _Shit, why the hell I am doing this? It's all for Jashinism. Right. But it still sucks. Dammit, this sucks! _

"WHAT??!?!? HELL NO!" Hidan sighed again. Jashinism was a religion full of sacrifices. He just didn't like to be the one making them.

"I'll give you half of all the money I own." Kazuku's eyes lit up.

"Hidan, darling, let's get out of this cave." And a grimacing Hidan led an equally disgusted. Then they found out that they love each other and were happy. (AN: Why not? If they were alive, they'd kill us. So let's make them happy.)

Sakura still wasn't too concerned. Five, she reasoned, was a more manageable number. Five _extremely _beautiful men. No, wait—one extremely beautiful men and four extremely beautiful…beings.

Tobi, on the inside, was not as good a boy as he would like the world to think. You had to have a little evil genius in you to be in the Akatsuki. Tobi just kept his evil side better hidden. He had decided that Sakura had nothing to offer him (AN: Or rather, we had decided for him.) The Leader, on the other hand, was his ticket into the Akatsuki.

"Leader," Tobi purred (AN: If we're pairing all these crazy people up, we can make Tobi an evil flirt too.) "Aren't you a little…lonely…sitting over there all alone?" He walked over to the leader and put his arm around his shoulder. The Leader, who would usually kill someone for being so intimate, smiled.

"It is a little…cold."

"I think I can help you with that," Tobi said coyly, snaking his other arm around the Leader.

This wasn't a huge disappointment to Sakura. She had never seen either of their faces, and wasn't sure whether they were that great. And three is even better than five.

"Um…Sakura?" Kisame asked shyly.

"Yes, sweetie," Sakura replied, giggling uncharacteristically.

"Would you paint my nails?" Sakura's eyes widened.

"It's tradition among the Akatsuki. And since you're a girl…"

"The last time he tried it, he got polish in his eye," one part of Zetsu said.

"Shut up!" Kisame shouted. Zetsu didn't reply. He was too busy chewing on something that looked like an arm. Sakura looked away.

"Calm down. I'll paint them." And she grabbed the polish and set at it. But the thing is, Sakura had always been busy training to be a kunoichi, and had never learned how to paint nails (AN: It's harder than it looks. I tried.) Kisame's fingers had spots all over them, and she had used half the bottle on two fingers. Itachi, who had been watching, stepped forward.

"I'll try." Sakura stepped back and handed Itachi the polish. Itachi very carefully painted Kisame's nails. After waiting for them to dry, he slowly grabbed onto Kisame's hand. They started kissing, and Sakura stepped back further, vaguely disgusted. _Damn, Inner Sakura said. There goes the last human._

She turned to Zetsu. The plant-man had always scared her a little, but he was hott in a plant way, and he was all she had now. "Zetsu…" But the plant-man was well…preoccupied.

"Oh you're beautiful," the light half of him said.

"So are you," the dark half said.

"The only problem is we can't kiss each other."

"We could kiss our hands."

"You're a genius sweetie. Yes we could." And what followed was the most bizarre kissing Sakura had ever seen (AN: Or we've ever written about.) Sakura half-ran out of the cave.

"Yaoi is one then, but _narcissism? _Or is it even that? Ewww." Sakura sat alone and forgotten outside the cave, watching the four happy couples (If you can call Zetsu and Zetsu a couple,) sighing. "You know, I used to think Yaoi was kind of hott, but now it's just annoying!" Sakura thought about this for a long time. She hadn't gotten enough action, she decided. What man would definitely _not _ditch her for another man? After a few moments of concentration, she thought of him: a man who spent almost all of his time, spare or not, reading "pervy books." He was about 15 years older than she was, but she needed someone. And Kakashi fit the bill.

* * *

Obviously, this is the first one in the installment. We have to make fun of student/teacher love, yaoi, yuri, incest, threesomes, and a few straight pairings that are just on crack. Believe me, you haven't heard the last of us.

Review, please, whether you like it or not. Because as you can see (Read the section with Hidan) we have a fangirl side, and we have no scruples about unleashing it cackles maniacally

Until next time,

Ele/Luna


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